I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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