And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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