walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
