update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
