we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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