What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
