I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
