She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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