apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
