If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
