It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just high enough for therapy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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