I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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