well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
