Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
