Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
