My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
