I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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