I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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