My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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