The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
