Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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