Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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