Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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