3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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