Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
