I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
