He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
