i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
