cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found puke in my bra..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
