i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
