I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
