hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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