lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
