He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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