It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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