I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is classic penis vs brain.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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