i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
