If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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