3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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