k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
