can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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