Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
