you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
only you would photoshop your dick
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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