You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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