what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
