My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
