why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm like, not good at living.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
