My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
