so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
