My room smells like vodka and shame
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
